Torment, Thy Name Is Verizon

I hate cell phones. They come in handy on occasion, but much of the time they just annoy other people. Or cause traffic accidents. And I'm always shocked when the bill comes in. (What the hell is “roaming”, anyway?)

But mostly I hate cell phones because they’re so unnecessarily complicated ... loaded with "features" I don’t want, don't need and don't use. All they do is confuse and irritate me.

What I really want is a cell phone that does two things:

1. Make calls.

2. Receive calls.

That’s it. Nothing else.

I have a friend who feels the same way about all electronic gizmos. He went so far as to have all but two of the buttons disabled on a sophisticated two-way radio he owns. Now the only two buttons that work are the only two buttons he needs. What a concept!

He recently replaced one of those super-complicated cell phones … one he has hated from the moment he got it. The old cell phone is now in his basement.

On his workbench.

In a vise.

Every day he goes down into his workshop and gives the handle of the vise another quarter-turn.

“I love watching the guts pop out of that goddam phone a little at a time,” he says.

He's my hero.